Adventures in Self-Care with Melissa Fabello: Part 1

 

If you’ve ever seen one of her YouTube videos than you probably already know Melissa Fabello is a talented and passionate activist.  She also writes boldly and beautifully about eating disorder recovery, body image, diet culture and a host of other important issues. In advance of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week and her presentation in Baltimore on February 21, we asked Melissa to share her thoughts on why self-care is not self-ish, the intersection of eating disorders and perfectionism, and her experience with recovery in a society obsessed with dieting.  We are honored to share her responses with you below.

 

 


Q&A with MelissA Fabello – Part I

 

Q: A lot of people assume self-care to be synonymous with personal hygiene or the daily chores of living. This can sound like a pretty boring topic. Given that you will be in Baltimore on February 21 to discuss the Adventures in Self-Care as part of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, can you explain more about what self-care really is and why it’s something we should be talking about?

MF: To start, I would actually argue that self-care should, indeed, be a daily chore of living. It should be an intentional practice that we partake in – every single day – in order to take care of ourselves. It really can be as simple as getting the right amount of sleep, drinking enough water, or eating a meal that fuels your body. It’s finding ways to insert self-care into those daily chores of living, which in turn, creates a life that may feel a bit more adventurous.

And when I say “adventurous,” I don’t necessarily mean thrill-seeking, but rather, simply, more livable. And what is more of an adventure than life itself? Self-care puts you in the position to live life more fully and to experience it more broadly because it cultivates your self-awareness and forces you to consider what makes you the happiest.


Self-care, really, is just any set of practices that are nourishing to you – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Those practices can be preventative (like taking care of your physiological and mental health needs to the best of your ability every day), and they can also be intervention methods (think: calling out sick just to spend the day taking a bubble bath and reading novels). But the point is that they are necessary to all of our lives, but especially necessary when we’re in eating disorder recovery.

 

Q: We often hear from patients who fear that engaging in self-care is a selfish act. How would you respond to someone worried about being, or being perceived as, selfish?

MF: That’s a real concern, and it needs to be validated as such. We live in a culture that’s driven by capitalism, and the number one value held by capitalism is that of productivity. Have you ever slept in because your body needed rest, but then berated yourself for not getting up early enough to start in on your housework? Or have you ever taken a much needed day off to marathon your favorite TV show, but then felt bad that you didn’t work on your school work, even though you hadn’t taken a day off in two weeks? That guilt is the product of believing that our worth is tied up in how productive we are.

670_06_NEDAW_TWITTER_01_2016_P12 This is especially difficult for women. In our society, men are frequently defined by what they do out in the world. Women, though, are judged by how they take care of others. As such, women’s moral development, according to Carol Gilligan, is all about how we understand ourselves in relation to other people. Women, in particular, are taught that taking care of ourselves and putting ourselves first is not only a selfish act, but even an immoral one. And that’s just straight up sexist.


One small shift we can make is to redefine what “productivity” means to us. I have an ex-girlfriend who was a hustler, trying to make it in the music business. As such, every day when we talked, she’d ask me, “What did you do today?” or “What did you accomplish today?” And sometimes that really overwhelmed me – because what if I didn’t “do” or “accomplish” anything? But the truth is that even if what I did that day was laugh while playing with my cat, or if what I accomplished was taking a trip to the bookstore for fun, then I’ve been productive. I’ve produced something: self-care. I think we need to remind ourselves that taking care of ourselves is an accomplishment.

 

Q: Perfectionism is one of several genetic traits that have been identified by research to be associated with an increased risk for the development of eating disorders. From your experience and observation, how does the topic of self-care intersect with tendencies toward perfectionism?

MF: I like to think of myself as a recovering overachiever, although I still fall back into those old habits sometimes. Again, in a culture where we’re taught to value our productivity, it can be hard not to fall into perfectionism as a way to prove our worth. But the truth is that we need to learn to be okay with the fact that none of us is perfect, that we’re all going to make mistakes.

One of the most valuable pieces of self-care advice I’ve received lately is that of learning to be okay with “good enough.” I’m one of those people who, when I give 75%, will feel guilty and ashamed for not giving 100%. What happens that’s interesting, though, is that no one can ever tell that I didn’t give something my all. As far as they can tell, I gave 110% because what I did was absolutely, positively awesome. Learning to be okay with “good enough” means giving something a shot, but not letting it run our lives, and feeling comfortable with the amount of attention that we were able to give something.

Part of self-care is being able to say, “I can’t (or don’t want to) work on this anymore because it’s possible that continuing to do so will damage my mental health. So I’m done now.” And that means letting go of the idea that we – and everything associated with us – has to be perfect.

 

Q: Another risk factor for eating disorders stems from the emotional and physiological consequences of dieting. What other impacts do you see from a culture that markets diets as a valid form of self-care and a path towards self-acceptance?

MF: I’ll be honest: The day that I actively decided to go through weight restoration was the day I realized that I could never be both thinner and happy. I could only ever be one of the two. I could spend every second of every day counting, measuring, and restricting in an attempt to achieve self-acceptance through (what I thought was) self-improvement, or I could attempt to apologize to my body and recreate a healthy relationship with food and within that freedom, find happiness. That concrete realization – that I couldn’t work toward a “better” body and experience day to day happiness – was a huge shift for me.

A spoken word poem that I really love, “When the Fat Girl Gets Skinny” by Blythe Baird, has a line in it that says: “This was the year of eating when I was hungry without punishing myself / And I know it sounds ridiculous, but that sh– is hard.” And it is. It is hard. Because we live in a culture that is so focused on dieting as, like you said, “a valid form of self-care and a path towards self-acceptance” that deciding to go against that grain and to seek validation and happiness from elsewhere is a radical act. And make no mistake: Giving up diet culture is a radical act, both personally and politically. Our culture thrives on making us feel small, weak, and less-than. Rebelling against that pressure, declaring that you will not be contained, and saying “no” to everything that our culture and media want us to believe? That is an incredibly courageous act.

 

Be sure to check out Part II of our discussion with Melissa in which she delves into body image and the concept of intersectionality as it relates to eating disorders.

Join the conversation on Facebook and Twitter using the hashtag #bmoreselfcare. 


MF 006Melissa A. Fabello, M.Ed. is a body acceptance activist, sexuality scholar, and patriarchy smasher based in Philadelphia. She is currently a managing editor of Everyday Feminism, as well as a doctoral candidate at Widener University, working toward a PhD in Human Sexuality Studies. Melissa has worked closely with The National Eating Disorders Association, The Representation Project, and Adios Barbie on campaigns related to body image, eating disorders, and media literacy. Find out more about Melissa and her work at melissafabello.com.

 

 

 

Ringing in the New Year without your old Cognitive Distortions

Don't believe everything you think

As the winter holidays pass by and our thoughts turn to the New Year, it can be an exciting time to reflect on 2012 or to make a fresh start in areas of life that could use some extra attention ~ friends, family, self-care, school or work?  Unfortunately, the changing of the calendar year (and the co-occurring mass marketing of new year’s resolutions) can also stimulate increased cognitive distortions. We’ve addressed cognitive distortions on our blog before and defined them as a pattern of thinking or “self-talk” that consistently shifts life events into a negative framework. 

There are different types of cognitive distortions including “all-or-nothing” thoughts that force experiences, relationships and feelings into categorical extremes of all good or all bad.  There’s also “filtering” in which a person’s thoughts magnify negative aspects of a situation while simultaneously ignoring important positive information.  Many people deal with cognitive distortions occasionally but some people, including those with eating disorders, depression or anxiety, may struggle with more frequent or more intense negative thoughts.  The danger lies not with the distorted thought in and of itself but in one’s tendency to believe that the thought is 100% true when it most likely is not. 

Holiday advertisements and New Year’s promotions tend to add fuel to the cognitive distortion fire, strengthening one’s beliefe that false and negative thoughts are actually reality.  Three types of distortions stand out in the holiday media frenzy… 

Shoulds, Shouldn’ts & Have-Tos: Based on Christmas catalogs and holiday specials, the list of holiday “have-tos” is endless – I have to decorate my house like Martha Stewart, I have to find the perfect gift for everyone on my list, I have to fit into that dress I bought three years ago.  The arrival of New Year’s Eve often brings with it even more pressure: I shouldn’t eat that dessert, I should go to every family gathering t          

"The reson we struggle with insecurity is because..."Jumping-to-Conclusions & Comparisons: Assuming you know exactly how other people are thinking and feeling or creating assumptions about someone else’s life from limited observations can make it difficult to focus on yourself in any positive way.  Have you ever received a pristine holiday card in the mail only to fantasize about that person’s supposedly perfect life while putting yourself down for not measuring up? Just because he/she is in one picture with a spouse and three children in matching holiday outfits doesn’t mean they necessarily have a blissful marriage, are happy at their jobs, or that they have never struggled with health, mental health or addiction problems.  It’s important not to compare yourself to a one-second snapshot of someone else’s life.     

Magical Thinking:  New Year’s weight-loss resolutions are the ultimate cognitive distortions when it comes to magical thinking. Pick up any magazine, listen to any commercial and peruse any social network to find businesses, entire industries, or even family and friends touting the message that weight loss = happiness and fulfillment.  This is usually financially motivated.  Remember that the weight loss industry (and many others) zero in on the things people are looking for most out of life and repeatedly pair them with weight loss when marketing their products. They know that people will pay money if they think there’s a magical road to happiness, friends, confidence  and success.  If you find yourself thinking that fitting into a particular size or changing your body in some way will “fix” everything that you think is wrong in your life or change who you are, take a step back.  Not only does the research show that chronic dieters are more likely to be depressed but dieting itself has been linked to weight gain and increased risk for disordered eating behaviors.  

This year, if you’re tempted to make a New Year’s Resolution, you may want to assess your options.  First make sure your goals are not the result of “shoulds” or “have-tos” generated by external sources like the media or even family and friends.  Then, consider starting off your resolutions with something more focused on creating positive moments in your life during 2013.  Here’s a couple possibilities: 

  • “This year I think I would find fulfillment in…”
  • “This year, I would really enjoy…”.  
  • “I’ve been wanting to spend more time with…”

Finally, turn off the TV and put away your fashion magazines or anything else that tempts you to compare yourself to other people or seek happiness through the shape or size of your body.  This year, allow your focus to be on building yourself up emotionally, putting a stop to the cognitive distortions, and establishing self-acceptance in the present moment, in the present body.

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If you’re interested in moving towards mindfulness and learning more about self-acceptance, please save-the-date for our 2013 National Eating Disorder Awareness Week events, including a keynote address by Emme, global advocate for positive body image.  Find out more here.

photos via Pinterest.com